Character Interviews – Charles from Driving with a Demon

WARNING! The language contained below is NOT suitable for people under the age of 18. Please use caution.

 

Cluff: Good evening Charles.

Charles: If that’s what you want to call it. Why the fuck not? It’s your show.

Cluff: Okay. Well, did you have any trouble finding the house?

Charles: No, I didn’t, but if you’d like I could tell everyone your address. How about that?

Cluff: That’s not really what I invited you here for, Charles.

Charles: Too bad. 2707 North . . .

Cluff: Come on, man. I’m trying to do a good. This is my first interview and if I blow it, I got nothing.

Charles: Killjoy. Fine. Want me to be a good little monkey? I’ll be a good little monkey. There. Happy?

(Note to self: Let’s do this in one take. This guy makes me nervous.)

Charles: What are you writing down? You writing about me?

Cluff: Well, yeah. I’m going to have to write about you. That’s kind of what an interview is, Charles.

Charles: If you ask me anything I don’t want to answer, I’m not going to. You get me? And don’t you dare ask me about Carl. That worthless sack of shit is long gone.

Cluff: I think I can deal with that.

Charles: Yeah? Good. Now, hurry up. I’m across state lines but that don’t mean the fed’s aren’t looking for me.

Cluff: Trust me, we’ll end this as soon as we can.

Charles: You’re quite the smartass. Want to know what I did to the last smartass?

Cluff: Question one. Do you remember when you were born? And if so, what are your first memories?

Charles: Don’t you think that question is getting a little close to shit I don’t want to talk about?

Cluff: I didn’t mention Carl. I asked you, so are you going to answer or do you want me to go to the next question?

Charles: For someone who created me, you’re pretty fucking stupid sometimes. You know that? You got a big fucking nose too. No, I don’t remember when I was born. Do you remember when you were born?

Cluff: Yeah, but you weren’t born the same way humans are born, were you?

Charles: Look here Mr. Know-it-all. You see this? This is my middle finger telling you to fuck off. Just because I didn’t have a physical body doesn’t mean I’m not human. I’m just as real as you are. You’re just scared people like me actually exist.

Cluff: I can’t argue with you there.

Charles: Next question before I lose my shit, and it better be a good one.

Cluff: Question two. What is your favorite color?

Charles: Blue. Dallas Cowboys blue. See, now that was a good question. Ask me more of them.

Cluff: Question three. Do you have any regrets?

Charles: What the hell is that? I said a good question. Next.

Cluff: Okay . . . question four. Have you ever been in love?

Charles: (Charles laughs hysterically.) You are a real piece of work, you know that? Why are you even trying? You know damn well I’m the last person in the world you want to be interviewing. You can’t even come up with any good questions that don’t involve Carl, can you?

Cluff: (Silence.)

Charles: Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m out of here.

Cluff: No. Come on, man. Give me like fifteen minutes to get another list together.

Charles: A fireball’s chance in the artic, you are. I told you I’m done. Now, get the fuck out of my way before I castrate you.

Cluff: Okay. Whatever. Go.